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Each time we interact with an individual or a group of people, be it in person, by email or on the phone, we are given an opportunity. The way we choose to act will determine the outcome of this opportunity. In fact, this doesn’t only apply to folks we meet for the first time, it also goes for our friends, family and every single relationships we cultivate in your lives.

In other words, depending on our natural or learned socializing skill level, we may end up despised and alone by the very people we deal with or praised and cherished by a gigantic network of associates and friends of all walks of life. Okay, these are obviously extremes and hopefully, you’re somewhere in between these two.

Before we start exploring the ‘zen how-to’ of social behaviors, it might be a good idea to take a peak at the roots of our needs and wants. What is it that we really want?

What People Really Want

According to Dale Carnegie, author of one of the biggest best-sellers on personal development ever written, How To Win Friends And Influence People, some of the things most people want include:

1. Health and the preservation of life
2. Food
3. Sleep
4. Money and the things money will buy
5. Life in the hereafter (that could be substituted for “to believe in something”)
6. Sexual gratification
7. The well-being of our children
8. A feeling of importance

Did you notice the item in bold at the end of the list?
Yep, that one is very important, way too important if you ask me. Everyone, in a way or another, seeks a feeling of importance. It springs from our ego, our very sense of self and identity that wants gratification so bad it will do pretty much anything to get it. The Bottom line should be as simple as this:

Always Make People Feel Important.

There are many ways to do this that will benefit everyone and that do not ring with manipulation, selfishness, submissiveness or any wacky hypnotism technique. Let’s explore some of these.

• Stay Open To The Other Person
  Your body language is very important when you come in contact with people. It is a direct dialogue with the other person’s subconscious mind that tells the other what to expect from you. Frowning and keeping your arms crossed will make sure you make a bad impression. Try to stand tall with your arms on your hips or in a welcoming manner while offering the other a warm smile. This will right away remove the mental barriers and encourage more in depth interactions.
• Listen
  People love to talk about themselves. A lot of people do not have the occasion to express themselves fully at work or in their personal life. Sometimes because of the social environments they are in or because they are surrounded by these exact type of people; folks who talk relentlessly about themselves without listening. Don’t be that person. Take the time to listen to the other person’s needs and you will be amazed by the appreciation they will show you for letting them share what’s on their mind. Besides, listening to the other person will give you everything you need to know to give them what they want. As a matter of fact, just that may be enough to them.
• Let The Other Be Right (You Can Never Win An Argument)
  Everyone, including you and me, are wrong, several times a day. It does not matter if you say white, there will always be someone else to try and prove you that it’s black. Even when you are so sure about your point of view that you could bet your life on it, some other enlightened being will come and show you that you are wrong and he’s right. The fact is that no one as the ultimate truth. Everyone has their own perceptions that make up their own view of reality. It is rarely useful to prove someone they are wrong. This will only hurt their pride and make them feel resentment toward you. There is a great quote by Samuel Butler that greatly illustrates this:
  

  He that complies against his will
  Is of his own opinion still.

  So what is the point here? The point is to avoid arguing at all costs. No matter how much you want to be right, winning your point against someone will not make you a winner.

• Stay In The Present Moment
  That one is never far around the corner, especially when you talk about being zen.
  How do you feel when you talk to someone that seems to be looking in the distance? Even worse if that person is looking in the distance! You feel like the other is not interested, bored or that he or she would prefer be somewhere else right now. I certainly do not like when someone does that to me, so I try to avoid it as much as I can. Staying in the present moment means watching the other speak, really listening, being genuinely interested in what he or she has to say. It means forget about the fact that you are hungry and that you have a phone call to make in 20 minutes. It is about respecting the words, thoughts and ideas of that person.
• Pay Attention To Your Mirror
  In eastern philosophies such as zen, everything is one. That includes all the people you come in contact with. Each person you face is a mirror of yourself. Your perceptions are always mirrored back to you in every moments of your life and that is certainly more noticeable in the case of human interactions, since we are all of the same makeup. For instance, if you resent people who are very outgoing and exuberant, it is most likely reflecting something about you. Perhaps you are introverted and you don’t like to see people getting to much attention since you struggle with that yourself. It could also be the opposite where you are very outgoing and you don’t like to be reminded of that because you have been reproached that behavior in the past.

  Just Remember that everyone we meet as something to teach us about ourselves. In light of this, let’s keep our third eye open for growth opportunities.

• Be A Giver
  If you want to get anything out of anyone, you shouldn’t expect to take what you want and leave, this method wont make you any friends. Rather, it will breed resentment and make sure your “friends” will have something better to do next time you ask for help or support. If you want to receive, you must give. That is the law of cause and effect and it works all the time. On a subconscious level, giving gives your neurology a wonderful opportunity to let go in order to create more space for whatever it is you want. If you hold on to things, be it stuff you own or feelings you experience, you do not allow any room in your head to receive since you choose to hold on too much.

  This is why I titled this article: How to Give people what they want and not how to get what you want from people. Because when you give to others, you also give to yourself in the process.

How Do You Interact With People?

In my experience, if you choose to apply some or all of these attitudes, you will be rewarded greatly. I could have kept on writing for hours on the subject but I prefer turning to you now. This blog is also meant to be about sharing and conversing right?

So you are welcome to add your thoughts, comments and questions to the list and make it better.

Namaste

Zasta

Tags: How to's, Zen, communication